As recently as September, I presented myself in this blog as "very self-motivated." I was always that irritating student who got the assignment done weeks before it was due while most everyone else spent the night before typing the paper or finishing the construction of their piece. Although I found it difficult to balance teaching, service responsibilities, and my own research, I continued to pursue all three with dedication during my tenure as a college faculty member, continually developing and challenging my abilities. I did the work that needed to be done and didn't really give it much thought.
Six months into my new life adventure, I'm questioning the notion of self-motivation. What does it mean to be "self" motivated? Without any external force requiring me to make work, I'm finding my motivation is falling flat. I realize that as a student, I did the work because it was required of me to complete a course. And even though I have been entirely self-directed in my art-making as a faculty member, professional development was a requirement of the job. In order to be a successful faculty member at a state university, you must create and publish (or exhibit) research.
With no external pressure, I find that I am uncertain why I make things. The artwork I have spent my time pursuing the last nine years is not a source of income, and it is truly hard, though generally satisfying, work. My creative process is not something I have pursued because I thought it was "fun." Sure, I began crafting at a young age because I enjoyed it, and I still do. But as my profession, it takes a tremendous amount of energy and time.
I didn't expect to feel this way. I was really looking forward to finally having the time to dedicate to my artwork, free from the multi-directional pull one experiences when balancing the requirements of an academic life. This has caused me to recognize how motivated I am by external factors--what others expect, think, or need. My guess is that this is actually quite normal--but how many of us recognize it? How many people ever have the chance to stop whatever it is that they are doing for an extended period and the time and space to examine their life from that new vantage point? What would we each discover given that opportunity?
This is a difficult time for me personally. I have uprooted my life in the hopes of something yet to be, but I'm in between what my life was and what it will be. I still believe I have made the right decision to let go of my identity as "Erica, the professor" to pursue a new understanding of myself and what my life is. But it's hard to be patient--let's get there already! This time is my opportunity to let the outside world fall away and to discover who I am underneath the external motivations that have driven me this far.
